Three short years ago, my life changed. I was a married woman raising three beautiful children, surrounded by lifelong friends and extended family. Yet, I was alone and wearing a mask much of the time. I was living the life I had always planned to live. However, I didn’t know how to deal with or plan for losing myself in the process. Would I change any of it? No. Do I wish I had had support or a model for how to live it better? Yes. Today, my children are grown, I am divorced, and working in a field I said I’d never go back to.
Family has always been my main focus. I had good intentions, but I could never really get it right. I made mistakes I didn’t want to make. I tried and failed and tried again. I gave up parts of myself that needed care, and things came out sideways. So, not only did I lose everything, part of me knew it was my fault. What’s even worse, I don’t know how I would have changed it. It was too much for one person to balance. I was missing time to be a woman, I was missing break time to reset, I was missing purpose beyond the role of wife and mother.
When I went through an unexpected divorce, I found time had run out for doing things right. Suddenly, overnight, my life was different. My identity was different. My kids were almost grown, and I lost many of my friends and family members. I had to find a career after having been a homeschool mom for the last twenty years.
I went through panic. I was grasping, trying to find my footing. I was crying, having panic attacks, and searching online for answers. I was trying to budget and learn how to do all the things I’d never done. Did I have credit? Would I be able to afford to live on my own and still support my kids? I had to find these answers while also trying to decide who I even was. I wasn’t a wife anymore, my kids were almost grown, my identity disappeared overnight.
Once you lose everything in one fell swoop your body intuitively starts doing things to help you. I started swimming and walking just to feel something. I started listening to healing music. I started reaching out to new friends, writing, and doing yoga. Suddenly, one day I realized I was thin, fit, creative, and most of all, confident! When I was serving myself, I was someone I really liked.
The next chapter was hard; moving, finding a job, rebuilding. It was a different kind of stress, but there was also freedom in it. It was mine. I was doing it myself. Now I’m learning boundaries, energy limits, moderate exercise, and how to balance fuel and fun.
When I was at my lowest, I remember searching online for answers to questions like: How long will this pain last? Will I make it? Am I the only one? I want to help anyone out there who is in the same place. I want you to know healing comes, new struggles come too, but a new beautiful season is possible.
What I experienced didn’t feel like a new chapter at the time. It felt like the dog ate the entire book, and I picked up the pieces that still belonged to me, burned the rest, and started a sequel.
I am three years into rebuilding, feel free to join me. Kris Ellery